Unvalued

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134

Today was a hard day just as any for me. I had to stare the devil in his face and try not to kill him with my bare hands. The devil looks into my eyes and tell me many lies on the daily. The devil tells me he loves me and because I’m weak, I accept his kind of love. The devil tells me he wants to be together forever, but we all know that’s a lie. The devil sleeps beside me every night. The devil makes me feel warm inside, also he can make me cry so hard I just want to disappear. Sleeping next to the devil every night is no easy thing. I cry myself to sleep many nights. Some nights I’m so insecure I wait until he’s sleeping and I steal his phone. Stealing your mates phone brings hell to no one but yourself, because once to go searching you gone find what you was looking for. After seeing what I already knew was in there I’m now damaged because once I place that phone back I can never unsee the text that was supposed to only be meant for me . I tell myself hey you can’t confront him because you wasn’t supposed to see it anyway, how do you admit to being a sneaky little bitch. The next day goes by you try to play it cool but its eating you up inside how the man you lay next to daily doesn’t love you the same way you love him. I finally blow up and have the courage to confront the devil about the stuff I have seen. He denies it, calls me a liar to my face and makes me feel crazy. I’m weak, when will I ever be strong. We go our separate ways to cool off, he’s calm because he knows it’s true but we been down this road before so he knows I’m not going anywhere. I’m stuck, I’m damaged because I know he’s not right for me but still I stay to mentally abused. I’m always looking at other woman like their better and prettier than me because this is how the devil makes me feel. I’m weak I’m desperate, if you know someone doesn’t value you or love you why not just let them go. I was asked how could I be so cool and go back to normal after everything and be with him like its ok and simply because I don’t know. I just want to have someone, so after the constant hurt over these five years the pain starts to feel normal. It’s as if the new normal is toxic as fuck, when it’s not toxic I still feel as though somethings going on cause that’s what I’m used to. How do I teach my daughters to do better when this is all I’m showing them. I say to myself at least he’s a good father, but being here makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. The devil is my boyfriend, my kids Father.

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